


this mess that i am

by asilra



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Suicide, Violence, basically jd's viewpoint from meant to be yours through to i am damaged, idk if the archive warnings are correct but whatever, miss fleming is also in there for a second, technically jdonica but really only from jd's messed up view
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 12:02:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilra/pseuds/asilra
Summary: oneshot. the end of meant to be yours through to i am damaged told through jd's viewpoint.





	this mess that i am

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo i wrote this a couple months back and abandoned it? and i stumbled upon it again today and attempted to fix it up, change the tense, etc. forgive me for any errors, and enjoy this angsty piece of garbage. also i stole the title from "words fail" from dear evan hansen (which i am currently obsessed with lmao)

JD had failed.

She was dead.

Veronica was dead.

Dead, dead, dead as a doornail. Dead as the knob on her closet door. The door he’d rattled, trying to get to her. Back when she was still alive.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck oh god no._

Maybe Veronica was dead before he had even told her his plan. Maybe she didn’t hear his pleas. Maybe she never knew how much he loved her.

Didn’t matter now. He had failed and Veronica had killed herself. That was it. The end.

 

But maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the end quite yet.

Maybe those assholes were still the key. Maybe he shouldn’t despair quite yet.

Maybe they still had the opportunity to miss their senior prom.

 

JD straddles his motorcycle and rides straight to Westerberg High. He runs into Ms Fleming in the hallway. Loquacious as usual.

‘Hi, Jason, how are you going? Excited for the pep rally?’

JD is _definitely_ excited, for his own reasons, but he doesn’t want to make small talk with Fleming. He has one intention on his mind. The words spill out of his mouth.

‘You’ve failed.’

 ‘Excuse me?’

‘All that togetherness bullshit. The assembly. You’ve failed fucking everything and everyone.’

‘I’m sorry, wha-?’

‘Veronica is dead. Veronica Sawyer is _dead._ She killed herself. Just like that. Gone.’

Ms Fleming doesn’t look overly shocked. ‘Jason, that’s very unfortunate. I think-‘

He shoves past her. It’s time. What had he said to Veronica? ‘ _Tonight, our school is Vietnam.’_

 

JD sneaks past the dickheads in the bleachers, plants the thermals like he isn’t even there. Truth be told, he isn’t sure he really is there anymore. He doesn’t think he has been fully there since he’d seen her body. Her limp, lifeless body.

 _Dammit, Veronica_ , he thinks, as he enters the boiler room.

 

JD places his bag on the ground and takes out the bomb.

 _Just like that shitbag of a father_.

People had always told him he ‘ _had his father’s eyes’_ , back when his mom was still alive, before she’d waved at him through that window, and blown herself out of existence. Now he finally realises what they had meant. No matter what happened, it wouldn’t change what was in his blood.

But, fuck it, this was different. Veronica is _dead_ and it’s all because of the fucking _cannibals_ in the gym above him. _Devourers of life and souls_. They were all the same, but he is above them. Above all the damn _Heathers_ and fucking _Kurts_ and _Rams_ out there. And there is no changing. No one like that ever changes. He’d learnt that through the course of ten high schools. _They_ were the ones who had _truly_ killed Veronica.

 

JD hushes himself mentally and goes to work on the bomb, not before feeling for the pistol in his coat pocket. It’s official, the trusty hunk of metal is more reliable than anyone he’s ever known. It is a solid weight. A reassuring weight. Just like Veronica had been in his arms.

She had really done a number on him.

 _But now,_ he reminds himself, _she is dead_.

 

 _Dammit, Veronica._ She was his teenage queen, his drop-dead gorgeous dream of brains and beauty. She was above it all. JD had worshipped her, and now she was gone. He’d never hear her voice again, or see the way her hair bounced when she walked, or take in her captivating smile or-

 

‘ _Step away from the bomb_.’

 

It takes JD’s brain a moment to register that voice. He physically recoils when it hit him. _Veronica._

An involuntary laugh escapes his lips. There he was, an idiot crying over the living dead.

‘And here I thought you’d lost your taste for faking suicides.’

He eyes the bomb. ‘And this little thing? I’d hardly call _this_ a bomb. _This_ is just to set off the thermals upstairs, in the gym. Now _those_ are bombs.’

Veronica opens her mouth to speak, but he has too much to say, and too little time.

‘People are going to see the ashes of Westerberg High School, and they’re going to think _‘Now there is a school that self-destructed - not because society didn’t care, but because-‘_

JD pauses momentarily, surprised to hear the anger in his voice and see the luger in his hand, finger hovering over the trigger. He makes no effort to lower the gun, but instead continues, calming his tone.

‘ _-that school was society._ You know the only place that Heathers and Marthas can truly get along?’

 

There is a part of his mind that wants to do it. End it now. Pull the trigger and run.

But then there is the reasonable part. The part that knows that even if he wanted to – which he _really_ doesn’t – he’d never be able to actually shoot Veronica.

JD cocks the gun anyway. And answers his own damn question.

‘ _Heaven._ ’

 

Veronica speaks before he can say anything else to her.

‘I wish that I could hurt the ones who hurt you.’

JD grimaces. ‘You and me both.’

Veronica continues.

‘I wish your mom had been stronger. I wish she hadn’t deserted you, left you alone.’

She is walking towards him now, keeping a solid pace. JD swears he looks ridiculous, holding a gun with both hands, backing away from a girl armed with nothing more than a croquet mallet.

He glances at her eyes. The mallet in her hand. Down to her feet. Back to her eyes.

Veronica continues to speak, unfazed.

‘I wish your dad was good. I wish grown-ups got it, you know? I wish that they knew, that they understood all of this bullshit. I wish we had met before all of this shit happened. Before they convinced you that life is nothing but war and chaos.’

She looks desperate. Truly desperate.

‘I wish you’d come with me.’

 

JD makes a split second decision. A glance at her face, her feet, the bomb. _Fuck it._

He does what he knows best.

 _‘And_ I _wish I had more TNT!’_

He rebels.

 

The damn croquet mallet hits JD’s hand and the gun hits the ground. How it fails to go off, he has no idea. Either way, his mind registers the pain before he even registers her movement.        

‘ _AAH!_ Jesus Christ!’

They both lunge for the pistol, and he can still hear the cheer from upstairs despite the sounds of their desperate scuffle.

 

_“Westerburg will knock you out, and send you straight to hell!”_

Is that symbolic, in some fucked-up way? He doesn’t know.

They’re standing now, wrestling for the deadly, cold piece of metal. This is too dangerous. JD is holding the gun, but he doesn’t know in which direction it’s facing, and he doesn’t know what he would do if Veronica got shot, after all they’d been through.

And _Jesus,_ if she would just let him have it-

 

The pain hits before he hears the bang. Veronica screams. It takes JD a moment to realise he’s been shot.

 JD has never been shot before. In the past, he had joked with Veronica, likened the pain to ‘ _a million brain freezes at once’_. If only he’d known. The pain is sharp and precise and–

…gone within a second.

 _Oh,_ he thinks.

He and Veronica move apart and by the time she realises it was JD who has been shot, he is on his back, on the cold, hard ground, and the pain has returned. Far, far worse than before. Worse than he’d ever imagined. Being shot from a point-blank range in the abdomen isn’t fun, JD decides.

 

JD clenches the wound with one hand, trying desperately to stop it from bleeding. In his other hand, the gun. He raises it. Veronica is a statue. Even with her clothes scuffed and a couple grazes, she looks just as _beautiful_ as she was that day in the cafeteria. Damn her, for distracting him with radiant beauty even while he is dying.

‘Was that good for you?’ He inquires, running out of breath. ‘Cause it kinda sucked for me,’  

JD’s arm goes numb. He drops the gun.

_Fuck._

Veronica leaves her state of trance. Her voice is wracked with sobs.

‘JD? JD, listen to me- just listen to me. It’s over. It’s over, JD. Which wire do I pull? JD, which wire do I pull? J- JD?

JD tries to speak, to say anything.

_I love you. Our love is god. Fix all of this shit, please._

He is too weak. His vision blurs to black.

 

When JD wakes, his head hurts like a bitch. Not to mention the gunshot wound on his abdomen, which is slowly leaking blood.

 

_Fuck. Thought it was all over. Wait. Where’s the bomb?_

_Shit. Veronica._

By the time JD realises that someone as smart as Veronica would take the bomb as far from the school as she could, the sun is setting over the football field.

There she is. Crying, hugging the bomb he’d built with his own hands.

 

_What a fuck-up I am._

JD inhales deeply, and takes a step towards Veronica. She hasn’t noticed him yet.

‘Smart girl. Drag the trigger bomb way out to the football field, far away from the thermal packs, and nobody dies.’ He grimaces against the pain. ‘Except you. If you keep holding onto that thing.’

Veronica looks at him with her wide brown eyes, and JD can swear another part of him dies.

‘I don’t deserve to live.’

_Bullshit._

‘I respectfully-’ JD is hit with another sharp pain as he takes a step toward her. ‘…disagree. Give me the bomb.’

Veronica is shaking now, holding onto the explosives with all her might. ‘I killed people… I have to pay for the-‘

JD nearly laughs. _What the fuck is she on about?_ He’s got to set her straight. He might as well give her that.

‘No. Not you. _Me_.’

_She deserves the truth. She deserves everything. All I deserve is death._

‘I destroy _everything_.’ He pauses. ‘Just like my dad. It never occurred to me to try and build anything. But you’re different. Go and do something with your life.’

Veronica is clearly terrified. ‘Stay away!’

 _Fuck._ Despite himself, and what he is about to do, JD laughs. ‘Or what?’

He begins to approach her. She sinks to the ground, silently sobbing.

_Here goes nothing, babe._

‘I am damaged. Badly damaged. But, Veronica, you’re not yet beyond repair. Maybe you can stick around this hellhole, try to make things better. I mean, look at me. I’m bleeding out. You’ve already beat me fair and square.’

He’s standing above her now, and so he reaches out to grab the bomb. Veronica is too shocked to resist. JD takes a few strides back.

‘Please, Veronica, please stand back now.’

Veronica silently rises to her feet, mouth gaping, and takes a single step back.

Figuring that isn’t enough, JD backs up and speaks again. ‘Little further? Listen, I don’t know what this thing will do.’ He grimaces against the pain, yet it almost looks like a smirk.

‘Hope you’ll miss me. Wish I had the time to kiss you right now. Because, _damn,_ Veronica, I worship you.’

He keeps going. ‘I’ve said it before, and now you’ll know that I wasn’t bluffing. I’ll trade my life for yours. And once I disappear, clean up the mess I’ve made.’

Veronica doesn’t believe what is happening, JD can tell from the look on her face.

‘Oh my god. JD, no, no, wait… hold on. Not this way.’

 

There is only one thing left for JD to say. He looks in Veronica’s eyes, sees her pain, her fury, her disbelief and her sadness. He lets it melt inside him, and carries on.

_Oh, Veronica. Dammit._

‘Our love is god.’

JD repeats himself, affirming the statement.

‘Our love is god.’ Again. ‘Our love is god. Our love is god.’

He feels the timer ticking away at his arms and in his chest. He feels the chill of the fall breeze, and the weight of his coat as it brushes against his legs, and the pain of the bullet in his abdomen, and everything all at once. JD sees the sorrow in Veronica’s eyes, so he closes his own, prepared for the release of death. There is nothing more he wants to do in that moment than hold her.

_Ah, shit. Good one JD, you fucked up for the last time in your life. Veronica, I just hope you know that I’m sorry. For everything._

 

Veronica’s voice surprises him for one final time, and he opens his eyes and takes in her face as she speaks.

 ‘Say hi to god.’

 

 

Everything is pain and trauma and fire and flame and the world is all there one second and JD is gone the next.

 _Good riddance,_ he thinks to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> hey so if you actually liked this feel free to boost my self esteem™ and comment/give kudos/follow me on tumblr over at @youcarvedopenmyheart


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